eating everything

Because I’m 22 and poor and have a guilt complex about having free time, I do quite a bit of freelancing in addition to my real job. (Ha, I have a REAL job. I’m so good at pretending to be an adult.) And lately, my freelancing has consisted of writing a lot of instructions.

I feel like such a faker because I pretty much never know how to do the things I’m writing instructions about. Really, my instructions should say things like, “I think you go to the Schedule menu, and then it appears that you should click the box and select a date. If that doesn’t work, I dunno what to do, but you could try clicking that little telephone button to talk to someone who probably knows more than your instructions writer.”

I sense that this wouldn’t go down well, so I employ one of the skills that I perfected in college and just pretend I know what I’m talking about until someone corrects me.

To counteract all my fake expertise in instruction writing, I feel a need to write instructions about something I really am an expert at. Here’s what I did with my weekend:

FIFTEEN STEPS TO FALLING OFF THE HEALTHY EATING BANDWAGON

(and then rolling around in the mud for a bit while you’re down there)

1. Let roomie talk you into eating out at Olive Garden on Monday, but don’t actually go until Saturday.

2. Spend all week getting more and more excited about eating bread and pasta, which you haven’t touched in a while.

3. Make sure you text roomie on Friday afternoon so you can discuss how much you both love pasta: “OMG, I’ve been drooling over Olive Garden commercials all week! We’re like crack addicts. Only fatter.”

4. Do Saturday’s WOD, then stay and practice other stuff for a while, then run four miles so you feel less guilty about dinner later.

5. Saturday night, order the special where you get two meals for the price of one. Bring one home.

6. Make sure you eat ALL the breadsticks so you can ask for more, and then take those home too.

7. Get the good waitress who gives you about 23523 Andes mints. Order dessert. Take the mints home too.

8. Stop on the way home to buy a corkscrew for the bottle of wine you wanted to drink last night but couldn’t get open. When you get home, drink a glass of wine. Then drink roomie’s glass too, because she doesn’t like it.

9. Sunday morning, feel too sore to do anything active because you overdid it yesterday. Decide that, since you now have more free time than anticipated, you should cook pancakes for breakfast. Add chocolate chips to the pancakes. Add syrup. Add strawberry jam.

10. Realize that the bacon in your fridge has been there for a while and that you won’t have another chance to cook it before leaving town for Thanksgiving. Eat the rest of the bacon.

11. Later, watch some Sunday-afternoon football. Mooch some of roomie’s nachos off of her. End up eating more nachos than she does.

12. Give up. You’ve not only fallen off the wagon, you’re wandering lost in the woods ten miles from any wagon or even any road. Eat your Olive Garden leftovers for dinner.

13. Eat ALL of the Andes mints you brought home with you. In one sitting. Even roomie’s judging you now; she informs you that she’s counted all of her mints and will notice if some go missing.

14. Resolve to get back on the bandwagon TOMORROW.

15. Figure you’ve still got a few hours until tomorrow starts. Have another glass of wine.

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