thinking

Sometimes I just have to write stuff to work it out in my own brain.

I was in a bit of a grey mood today. Normally I go through life wrapped in a sort of vapid enthusiasm. I’m a happy person, and I recognize that I stay happy by not thinking too hard about things. I don’t plan ahead, and I deal with things that make me unhappy by not thinking about them. And I’m okay with that.

But some days, the wheels in my brain start turning and it’s more work to stop them than it is just to go for the ride.

I think my mood stemmed from a Christmas party invitation from a friend I don’t get to see much anymore; I don’t think I’ll be able to go. And I miss her.

It’s the opposite of a silver lining. My whole life is made out of silver; it doesn’t need a lining. But every chapter seems to end before I’m quite ready for it to be over, and remembering good things that you can’t have back is sad. Just a little bit.

I’m wishing for barefoot summers that smell like dust and sweat, for the Christmas day I decided to take my pony for a bareback trail ride in the snow, for watching thunder storms from the porch of an old white farmhouse with my parents.

I’m thinking of the giddy adrenaline rush of 4am in a college computer lab finishing the paper that’s due in a few hours, surrounded by the rest of the class. I’m remembering coming home late from work or class to a pot of hot chocolate on the stove and a homework party with my roommates around the kitchen table.

Most of all, I remember the laughter in my life, and I’m missing the people I shared it with.

And this makes me a little bit sad. And it makes me happy too, that I have these things to feel sad about missing.

There’s a quote from the play Peter and the Star Catchers, that I think captures what I’m trying to say here: “It’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you know it meant something.”

For the moment, I try to remember that one day, I’ll miss the 3 o clock loopyness of my dorkey office mates, and the feeling of coming home at night with no homework to do and nothing more to worry about than cooking dinner and roasting marshmallows in our cozy fireplace.

And today seems a little less grey.

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