at least it’s not as bad as drinking expired milk

I think my cold medicine is expired. Actually, I know it’s expired because there’s a little label on the back saying “expires 12/12” or something along those lines. Yup, I’m pretty impressed with my Sherlockian ability to work that one out too. But if it is expired, it’s only JUST expired, so it should still work at least a little bit. Why, then, is my nose running like a waterfall?

I’m being super disgusting today. I can’t just sit quietly sniffling in my corner; that would be much too civil for me. Instead, I keep making those gross horking noises that make everyone in my vicinity first move just a little bit further away from me and then wish heartily that I would blow my nose or maybe just go away. But I AM blowing my nose, and it’s not helping very much.

Thank goodness I ended up working a gazillion extra hours last week, so I don’t feel guilty about the fact that it’s taking me about a million years to accomplish basic tasks THIS week. I swear I spent 20 minutes lost in the archives trying to file something today. Of course, this may also have to do with my technological ineptitude, but since I’m sick, I may as well use one of the only benefits that come with it and make excuses for myself.

I feel like the universe is refusing to play fair with me at the moment, and I want to file a complaint with the customer service department. I slept for about 10 hours a night and took TWO naps over the weekend. I put in my time, so why do I still feel like I’m dying? That wasn’t a fair trade, not for someone who has a guilt complex about oversleeping.

Know what else sucks? My bag of banana chips from Trader Joe’s. Actually, the banana chips couldn’t have sucked that much because they’re almost gone by now (along with about five chocolate-covered Oreos, a half dozen sugar cookies, and two servings of white bread), thanks to the will-power-sapping effect that being sick has on my appetite. But the banana chips have ended up costing me a grand total of (drum roll) $747.21. Think of all the races I could have signed up for with $747!

At least I managed to keep the insurance out of it, which I think will be cheaper in the long run. Especially since I drove over the curb last night pulling out of the parking lot at work and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I simply can’t drive. End of story. Everyone has things that they’re bad at; mine just include mundane tasks that don’t present a challenge for most people, like driving, or relationships, or remembering to turn off the oven when I’m done with it.

People, I still haven’t given up hope of marrying that rich NFL player and becoming a millionaire.

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