oops, this isn’t a real post; it might be boring

“Stop being so negative! You’re all like ‘my legs hurt,’ and ‘I can’t do handstand walking.’”

I couldn’t quite tell if L was being serious or not because she finished this remark by sticking her tongue out at me and then licking her nose with it. Freaky.

I wanted to respond by pointing out how it’s easy to be positive when you can do handstand pirouettes and have the fastest wod time on the board. But I thought that might come across as being negative, so I just stuck out my own tongue and didn’t say anything.

But now I keep wondering  how I could have turned into a negative person in the one place where I am happiest to be. It’s true though. This was definitely not the first time the words “I can’t” have come out of my mouth in the past few weeks. And even though there are a lot of things I really CAN’T do (yet), that never used to bother me. I never used to say it out loud.

I’m sorry y’all, but this blog post isn’t really for you. It’s one of those times when I just need to write in my journal and my journal happens to be published on the internet.

I used to be fine with the fact that I OFTEN had the slowest time on the board. I was happy about it. I used to leave feeling good when I tried hard, no matter what my time was. Often, I didn’t even look at the board before I left. Because it didn’t really matter what anyone else had gotten.

Now, I’ve gotten used to being one of the fast people, and it’s become alarmingly important to me that I stay that way.

Know what I think? I think it’s the competitions. They make me compare my score with everyone else’s.  I’ve spent too much time strategizing, and scheming, and picking hypothetical teammates for the next one. And wondering if my times are good enough that anybody is picking me as their hypothetical teammate. I’m competitive. I don’t need anything to make me MORE competitive. I need to cut myself off. Not completely. They’re too much fun to not do at all, and I’ve got a couple more that I’ve already paid for. But after that, I’m going to be done for a while.

Writing bad things down has always helped me wrap my head around them, since before I was even much of a writer. So here it goes:

I will not let someone else’s number get to my head. This is me letting it go. I’m not giving up; I will work as hard as ever. I just need to let it go. I think not competing will help.

Oh, and since I’m already writing stuff down to make it happen: I CAN do a muscle up. I can, I can, I can.

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