But it would just sound too weird if I said them out loud.
Dear Crossfitters , despite appearances to the contrary, I actually DO shave my underarms occasionally. Any dark color you may notice in that area is actually caused by fuzz that sticks there when I wear a sweater over a tank top. And I have to wear a sweater every day because I work in arctic tundra.
Dear Coworkers, if you hear a farting noise in your vicinity and I am also in your vicinity, it was probably caused by me. But I refuse to excuse myself, not because I don’t want to take the blame, but because there is an off chance you didn’t hear anything at all, and then it would make the situation even more awkward. Ask Roomie; I do this to her all the time.
Dear Lifting Coach, I secretly call singlets onesies when you are not around because I think they are so ridiculous looking and also because my memory CANNOT retain the word singlet pretty much ever. Onesie seems better that short-unitard-with-no-sleeves, which is the only other description that ever comes to mind.
Dear Doc, I confess that I am usually a pretty sweaty person anyway. But I am not THIS sweaty until I show up at your office and think about the fact that you have to work on my shoulder. Which may involve you touching my underarm at some point. Also same deal with my foot the other day. Your office makes me sweat. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
Dear Creepy Neighbor from the old house, I think you’re very creepy and am not at all sorry that I just laughed and shut the door that time that you asked if I wanted to get a drink sometime. I tried to feel sorry afterward, but I just couldn’t.
Dear Dennis, there is one mozzarella stick left in your bag of mozzarella sticks in the fridge at work. It has been there for a long time, and I think you may have forgotten it is there. You should know that, if you leave it much longer, I am going to eat it. Because I never bring enough food to work and am always starving by 4pm.
Dear Crossfit Coach, sometimes I ogle your ass when you aren’t looking. Cheers!