don’t forget to scrub your knees and restock the shampoo every once in a while

Hey there WordPress. I haven’t seen much of you lately. My bad. I’m back now, and I’ve had a good reason for not having time to write. And I promise I will explain what I’ve been up to next time. But in this post, I have something much more important to discuss: Why I hate taking showers.

It happens every day: I walk in the door covered in gym-floor dirt and dripping with sweat, I flop down on the couch next to roomie, and start whining about the horrible chore standing between me and the rest of my night.  “Auughh, I don’t feel like showering.”

“Yeah, you say that a lot. I can’t really help you with that.”

Why? Why do I have such a trouble with this normal thing that other people apparently even ENJOY doing? Little freaks. But really, when I apply my brain, I can come up with several, only slightly questionable, reasons why showers are just about the worst thing ever.

1. You have to get wet. I know you’re wondering where I’m going with this, but hear me out. See, getting wet means you can’t just sort of halfway shower and then take a break to do other things. I may not feel like doing the dishes, but I can talk myself into doing them by telling myself that I’ll just wash a couple and then do something else. There are no breaks allowed in a shower. Such. Work.

2. You cannot eat in the shower. Well I guess you could, but it’s not really practical. Roomie and Kate (it’s confusing now that I have two roommates, but we’re just sticking with the original naming scheme here) can verify that I do indeed spend most of the few hours between arriving home from crossfit and going to bed shoving food into my face. So a whole entire FIFTEEN MINUTES spent without a snack is a comparative century.  

3. Showers are boring. You cannot see the TV from the shower. There is nobody to talk to in the shower. (And no, I’m not looking for offers from my male friends to fix this problem for me.) I cannot even sing in the shower when somebody else is home because it’s totally audible from the living room, and nobody except me really wants to hear me sing. This is the one chore that cannot be improved by the presence of an ipod and a pair of headphones. It’s SO boring.

4. Showers require too much preparation. I’m not a planner; I’m a doer! I like to think that anyway. But this means that I spend a good five minutes before every shower walking up and down the stairs between my room and the bathroom to get the towel I forgot, or the pair of underwear I dropped, or the razor that I carried out of the bathroom last night for entirely unknown reasons. And God forbid that some essential soap or lotion runs out mid-shower. This is when you find yourself developing your powers of improvisation: “I can totally use conditioner to shave my armpits, right? It’s white like shaving cream.”

5. It’s easier than you think to mess up the showering process. There are just too many steps to keep track of. I assume that this is less of a problem for men, but I cannot count the number of times I found myself standing gormlessly in the shower holding a bottle of shampoo and wondering if I just washed my hair or if I was just about TO START washing my hair. Or the number of times I notice AFTER getting dried off that only one leg seems to have gotten shaved.  

I think, based on my quick once-over reading of this post, that I may have a mild but undiagnosed case of ADHD. And yes, I still stand by my moderately confusing statements that showers are both too boring and too complicated. I have the worst case first world problems. The. Worst. 

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